THIS is UH-MA-ZING!

18 years ago Cole was 6 months old and I found out I was pregnant with our second child. Ben and I were excited about having another child because we knew we wanted our children to be close together, but GOD had different plans than what we thought. At our 8 week sono we found out we lost our baby, and we found our peace in GOD and our joy in the baby that we already had. We knew that in a couple of months we could start trying to have another baby again, but even as that time approached I felt trepidation about what the outcome might be. We were blessed to get pregnant within the first month of trying, and we found ourselves hiding the news of our new pregnancy as we celebrated Cole's 1st birthday. I was due April 1, 2000 and I was so very excited, but I didn't want to tell anyone until I had heard the baby's heartbeat.

When I was about 20 weeks along I still had not gained any weight, and it seemed like a normal pregnancy, but over the next 7 weeks my belly grew to be 58 cm in measurement, and I couldn't fit into any of my maternity clothes. I knew I was WAY.TOO.BIG! The doctor did an ultrasound and concluded I had polyhydramnios which is a very rare condition in  which my body made excessive amniotic fluid. I had a very severe case of it, too. I was admitted into LSUMC at the beginning of the millennium. The doctors did an ultrasound when I arrived at LSUMC in Shreveport, and during the ultrasound I was told that my baby had Down's Syndrome. We knew that the main causes for polyhydramnios were because the baby would have hydrocephalus, spina bifada, or Down's Syndrome. It didn't matter to us though because we were going to have our baby no matter what. One of the doctor's had suggested that we wait for test results that would let us know if anything was wrong with our baby so we could decide whether or not we wanted to terminate the pregnancy. It still makes me tear up to remember that conversation.

GOD had allowed us to lose one baby in the past year, and now I was faced with doctors asking me if I wanted to CHOOSE not to have this one! I remember Ben telling them to get out of my room. He was in agreement with me that no matter what we were going to have our baby.

The first night I was in the hospital the doctors told me that if they couldn't stop my labor that my baby would be born early and would probably die. They also told me that if they tried to stop my labor by draining some of the amniotic fluid my baby could die--and it would be dangerous for me. I was left laying and crying uncontrollably in a hospital bed trying to decide what the best choice would be for both me and my baby. I had never had to make a more difficult choice in my life. My mind was swamped with "what if's?"
What if I choose to have the fluid drained so I can breathe easier, but it causes me to lose my baby? What if I don't have the fluid drained and my contractions don't stop? What if my baby is born tonight and doesn't live because of a decision I made?
It is hard to be a mother. It is draining to believe that you really have the power to change what could or would be. I had to stop giving myself so much credit and remember that GOD is so much bigger than I am or any decision I could make. I had to remember that I was walking WITH HIM, not asking HIM to walk with me. There is a big difference. I prayed a lot, and the HOLY SPIRIT spoke to me and reminded me that HE had (and always has) great plans for me---even if they weren't the plans that I had expected. I had to trust that no matter what happened, GOD would still be GOD. HE would still be on HIS throne when it was all said and done. He would still love me, and HE would carry me through anything that happened. HE would still be my ROCK and my REFUGE. I then chose to have the fluid drained, and they took 3 liters of amniotic fluid from me that night. The labor stopped and everything was fine.
After being in the hospital for 6 weeks, I went into labor on the night of Feb. 6, 2000, and it was clear that it could not be stopped, so on Monday morning the doctors came in to prep me for a C-Section (just in case). I waited for Ben to get to the hospital so I would not be alone. I laid in the bed and rested for several hours after they broke my water. Then I heard Jacob's heartbeat on the monitor slow down considerably. It was about 12:45 pm. The doctor's rushed in, saw that I was hemorrhaging, and Jacob was in distress, so they rushed me to the emergency room. I cried the whole way in there and just sang "Hold Me JESUS" as we went, and I was shaking uncontrollably. I remember the doctor looking into my eyes as we walked down the hall. He said, "Your baby is going to be fine. You are going to be fine. You have been here so long, and I am not going to let anything happen to you." His words were comforting to me. I believed him. Ben did get to come into the delivery room with me.

 At 1:04 a HEALTHY baby boy was born weighing in at 6 lbs 7 oz....HUGE for a 33 week old!!! He is our miracle baby.  GOD IS AMAZING! GOD takes our broken pieces and turns them into beautiful pieces of clay that HE can mold and use.

I LOVE that the doctors were wrong about you, Jacob, with pretty much everything they "predicted", but mostly that you wouldn't live. Together you and GOD proved them wrong, and you were a healthy 6 lb 7 oz baby born at 33 weeks. I will never forget the first time I saw you. You are still as important to me now as you were then. I love the way you laugh, tell jokes, breathe louder than anyone around you, slap your flat feet on the floor when you walk, sleep bent in half while sitting indian style (seriously this is the most flexible kid I've ever seen), have a head bigger than most any adult, can take apart and put back together anything, never get lost, have a servant's heart, and are independent. I know you struggle, and I pray for you every day. You are my Jacob Aaron, and I hope you have a wonderful day today baby boy!! Happy 17th Birthday!!

 

Was It REALLY UH-MA-ZING????

At the risk of ostracizing myself because I am probably the only person on the planet that didn't think the half-time show was UH-MA-ZING, I am going to list why I feel so differently than the masses of people that surround me. I also want to remind you all that I don't like fudge, canned chili, or....wait for it.....Cheez-Its. I say this to remind you that my opinion is just that....my opinion. And I am entitled to it just like you are entitled to yours. You can decide you hate me because I feel differently than you, but is that really mature? I don't hate you because of how you feel about the way Lady Gaga paraded around on the stage in less than modest clothing setting an unfavorable example for all of our young daughters. So, here it is.....

1. I didn't really care for the way she put her leg up on the piano stool opening up her crotch in a tasteless way while she belted out the words to some less than mediocre song.....or any of the other "dance moves" that had her opening her legs up over and over. I have young sons that don't need to be "flashed" in this sort of way by any female. I mean REALLY? Is that AWESOME ENTERTAINMENT???? Since when did entertainment become so tasteless?

2. Her choice of wardrobe was less than appealing. Half a shirt with some booty shorts??? When a  4 year old says, "She needs to get dressed" that should tell you something.  I understand that's what is "in", but I've never been one for doing what's "in" if it goes against my beliefs and convictions. Parading around on stage for everyone to see in clothes that are not modest when you have the opportunity to influence so many young girls in a positive way just makes me angry and sad all at the same time. What about that glorifies GOD? Nothing.  Now, I know that some would say, "But she wasn't there to glorify GOD. She was there to entertain!"  If we do ANYTHING  we are to "do [it] all in the name of the LORD JESUS, giving thanks through HIM to GOD the FATHER." (Colossians 3:17) I know that Paul was talking to believers here, but I have been reading so many blogs lately claiming that Lady Gaga is a Christian because "she believes in JESUS" and "she worshipped at [insert church name here]....", so if you claim to be a Christian then you must live like one. The end.

3. I.Just.Can't. get on board with anyone who sings "Born This Way". I can't in good conscience ever love a performance by someone who claims that they are a sinner because my GOD created them that way and "HE doesn't make mistakes". While I do believe that GOD creates all people, and we are ALL sinners, that is NOT what HE created us to be or where HE wants us to stay. HE does not desire that ANY should perish but that all should come to repentance. (2 Peter 3:9) HE doesn't desire for people to stay in sin or live in sin.....and that is exactly what her song promotes. Here are some lyrics "No matter gay, straight, or bi, Lesbian, transgendered life/I'm on the right track baby/". Why didn't she include abusive husbands/alcoholics/rapists/pedophiles/murderers? Weren't they all "born that way?" Aren't they "on the right track"? I feel the need to say this--because I guess so many people won't--but that isn't the right track.  It goes against everything that CHRIST died for, and it makes a mockery of my SAVIOR to say that HE wants people to live in sin. I cannot be entertained by that.   ***Sidenote----I am NOT saying GOD doesn't love us each and every one. I am saying GOD HATES sin and HE abhors the sinner--the person who knows they are in sin and continues in it. I know it isn't politically correct to teach on or speak about the wrath of GOD, but there is no other way to learn about the truth of HIS love without knowing about the truth of HIS wrath.

I am so glad she didn't say anything political.....however she has said much with just her lyrics and her stage presence, and I don't like what she has said with that. I don't like her message of empowerment. I certainly don't think this was the worst half-time show ever....it was better than others for various reasons, however I don't like that we have become a generation where the first use of the word "transgendered" at a half-time show means "Awesome entertainment". My heart breaks for the sin that we have allowed to overtake us, and we don't even bat an eye at it. We don't even see it as sin.

We embrace it.
We celebrate it.
We applaud it.
We call it AMAZING.
GOD is heartbroken.

I have children I am trying to raise to be modest, pure, CHRIST followers which may mean they will be outcasts by many, but I am ok with that as long as they are following what GOD has called them to do.

10 Years Ago Today.....A Memorial Story

Joshua 4:6-10

New Living Translation (NLT)

"6 We will use these stones to build a memorial. In the future your children will ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ 7 Then you can tell them, ‘They remind us that the Jordan River stopped flowing when the Ark of the Lord’s Covenant went across.’ These stones will stand as a memorial among the people of Israel forever.” 8 So the men did as Joshua had commanded them. They took twelve stones from the middle of the Jordan River, one for each tribe, just as the Lord had told Joshua. They carried them to the place where they camped for the night and constructed the memorial there. 9 Joshua also set up another pile of twelve stones in the middle of the Jordan, at the place where the priests who carried the Ark of the Covenant were standing. And they are there to this day."

This morning when the alarm went off, the first words out of Ben's mouth were, "It's been 10 years."  Strangely enough the same exact words had just crossed my mind seconds before he spoke them. We haven't put any memorial stones in place, but our minds are aware of the miracles and blessings GOD has poured out on us, and like GOD wanted the Israelites to do, we tell our children, so they will remember.

I know I have written about this before (3 years ago-- and you can read about it here: http://www.cacinewton.blogspot.com/2010/08/god-is-amazing.html), but I still feel led to tell of GOD's love, faithfulness, mercy and presence in our lives at such times as today....the 10 year anniversary of "the accident". 

Here is an excerpt from my previous blog "I had this extraordinary peace that came over me as we flew. I am not saying I wasn't still scared--I am saying I was at peace.  I felt God's arms around me at that moment, and I knew I was being prayed for.  I knew I could not pray a single word at that moment, so all I did was sing the Rich Mullin's song Hold Me Jesus (which I also sang during the birth of my 2nd son).  The words to that song are easy for my heart and mind to sing when no other words are available:

Hold me Jesus, cause I'm shaking like a leaf

You have been King of  my glory

Won't You be my Prince of Peace?

I know that He was my Prince of Peace that day."

I felt a peace. That peace did not take away the horribleness of the situation, make the pain disappear, or change the uncertainties I was facing, but it did remind me that GOD was on HIS throne and that NO.MATTER.WHAT. HIS will would be accomplished. That is a peaceful AND scary place to be because I had to ask myself if I trusted GOD enough to know/believe that [NO.MATTER.WHAT.] HIS will was the BEST thing for me and my family. I was 28 years old at the time, and I had been following JESUS for 21 years, but I had never really been put in a situation where I had to ask myself that question. I was thinking through real possibilities of my husband maybe never coming home with me again. My best friend maybe never being the same.....according to the doctors they didn't even know if he would know who I or the kids were when he woke up. I struggled with the thought that he may never get to be the daddy that his kids needed, or the husband that I counted on. But my biggest fear was that he might be angry with GOD that it happened. Most of those questions and fears were answered/put to rest within the first 3 days when he finally woke from his coma. The nurse asked him who I was, and I will never forget his raspy voice saying, "Acacia".  She was nervous at first telling him, "No." because she knew me as Caci, but I cried because I knew he knew! Although he knew who I was (and the rest of his family) there were many other things he didn't know....like where we were or even WHEN we were. He asked me right away if the kids had grown up and gotten married. I laughed and I remember thinking, "No you didn't get out of it that easy!" But his parents and I gently told him, "You've only been asleep for 3 days." We were able to take him home for a week after he had only been in the hospital for a week. That in itself was a HUGE miracle! When they life- flighted him there they told me had pneumonia (when he was knocked off the jetski he landed face down in the water and had actually drown before his sister got to him), but the next morning there were NO SIGNS of water on his lungs at all! A complete answer to prayer! When he arrived in the trauma center he also had bleeding and swelling on his brain, and the doctors told me that if it didn't subside they would have to drill into his skull and put in stints to relieve the pressure. By the next morning all bleeding and swelling had stopped. Another complete answer to prayer! And even though we were able to bring him home after only one week in the hospital, the trials and struggles were not over. We were dealing with a closed head injury and all the side effects that come from that. There was forgetfulness, anger, frustration, an inability to focus, and an aversion to loud places or bright lights.  We prayed. And we waited. Ben loved his therapy that he was able to go to for 4 months to help him relearn things and figure out how to deal with the new things he was going through. In his therapy they told him they had not had a patient who healed so quickly from an injury as major as his. We knew it was all GOD. 

Ben loves to tell people that with him, in regards to the accident, GOD was being like the potter with the clay. The potter sits at his wheel molding the clay into a vessel and then notices this one spot that just isn't what he was wanting. It isn't right, so he smashes the clay down, gets it wet, and starts over. Ben feels like that is what GOD was doing with him when HE allowed him to be hurt so badly. And I can agree with him.....he came out of that accident and that situation with a stronger, greater love for GOD and a clearer vision of how he wants to serve HIM than I could have imagined. I was scared he would be angry with GOD, but he was loving GOD even more, and for that I am so very thankful.

Even though I wasn't physically injured in the accident, GOD was doing the same thing to me. I had spent the night before the accident talking with Ben: "I remember the conversation I had with Ben that night as we lay in bed.  For some reason we were talking about if something bad happened to one of our kids (we had 3 at the time). We were telling each other that if something bad happened at least we knew we had each other and together (with God, of course) we could get through anything."

And then: "I watched them load Ben up and fly off wondering if I would ever hold him, or talk to him again.  There was no time for goodbyes, no "I love you's".....it was scary and heartbreaking, and went against everything we had discussed the night before. We had talked about getting through something tough TOGETHER. I knew that I didn't have Ben to help me be strong for Cole. I didn't have Ben to help me get through this situation--this wasn't something we were going to get through together"

Here is where GOD was smashing me down and reshaping MY heart and MY thoughts. HE was showing me that HE is the ONLY one I need. HE is the ONLY PROVIDER for our family. HE is the HEALER. HE is the SUSTAINER. HE is the LIFE GIVER. HE is the ONE who sees and hears me when I cry. All the things I had been looking to Ben for, I needed to be looking to GOD for. 

Ben is my best friend, and I am so thankful that GOD didn't take him from me in order to teach me that lesson. I am also thankful that HE was reshaping both of us at the same time. HE brought us closer together with a deeper love for each other because our love for HIM was deeper. 

I feel compelled to share our story every so often so that the people who ask "Why does GOD let bad things happen?" can see that GOD has a purpose and a plan. HE will always be glorified (and I hope that my writing about it will bring glory to HIM in some way), and HE will never leave us. Yes, HE allows bad things to happen. Yes, HE could have stopped it all, but knowing now what I didn't know then.....I wouldn't want HIM to have stopped it. And that's why we have to trust and believe that HIS will is.the.BEST! HE sees the whole picture when we only see a part.

No matter how hard the situation is, HE will never leave us. When we call to HIM out of a sincere desire to find HIM, HE will reveal HIMSELF to us. We don't need to look anywhere else or to anyone else.

I just want to say one last thing because I know this has been long. Just because GOD brought us through the situation with a pretty positive outcome, doesn't mean HE would have been less faithful or less loving if HE hadn't.

Just as Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego told Nebuchadnezzar: 17 If it be so, our GOD whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and HE will deliver us out of your hand, O king. 18 But even if HE does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up.”

Even if GOD doesn't deliver us from the situation in the way we wish HE had, I will never take my eyes or devotion off of HIM!

The Judge

This is dedicated to Chuck Bryce:
It has been brought to my attention, and I must say it is entirely true, that I have been blessed with an amazing husband. I know, I know....you think I am just saying that, but that it can't really be true.  Well, it is!    My husband is the most talented, creative, self-sufficient, caring, capable, hard working, decent, GOD loving and fearing, romantic, musically inclined, intelligent, handsome man I know. He's a terrific daddy too. Ok....I know I am bragging....but I am just proud, and I think many times as women and wives we miss the opportunity to praise our husbands and raise their self -esteem, so I am taking a minute to do just that.  Ever since I went back into the classroom teaching, he has taken over planning the meals, shopping for groceries, and cooking the meals. Not a bad deal, right?? I get to come home to see my man standing in the kitchen cooking!!!  What's sexier than that? And he's not just cooking for me....he's cooking for a family of 6....'cause we have a few kids. Well, tonight I came home, and he was getting supper ready. I saw him wrapping some bacon around some green beans, and my mouth started watering....green bean bundles....oh yeah! I asked him what was going with the green bean bundles, and he started explaining what he wanted to make. It was something he dreamed up today while folding the clothes barefoot after having done all the dishes.....a cream cheese, sour cream, grilled chicken (with homemade fajita seasoning), fresh jalapeno, bacon, colby jack cheese, and homemade pico concoction that would then be stuffed into a poblano pepper and roasted in the oven (with a slice of Chipotle Pepper Jack cheese on top).  Can you say DE-LI-CIOUS?????  Oh. My. Goodness. He called it The Judge because he said all other foods should be judged against it. You decide for yourself if you have the inclination to mix these ingredients together and make this delicious dish for supper!

Green bean bundles and The Judge

Happy Mother's Day!

It seems like I never have a chance to just sit down and write about anything! I am a busy woman, and as I lay in my bed relaxing on this Mother's Day I want to write down a few things.  First, I want to tell my mom thank you for:
** giving me life. I know that finding out you are pregnant with your second child when your first child is only about 8 weeks old is hard. I know you were tired and worn out. I also know that you would have never considered anything other than giving me life and loving me. Thank you for not thinking of me as a hardship or burden, but a blessing.
** reading books to me at bedtime. I remember those nights that we all cuddled up together on the bed and listened to you read Where the Red Fern Grows, The Secret Garden, and Pippi Longstocking. I cherish those times together. Your love for books and reading helped me love to read. I curl up in bed and get lost in a good book, believing I am part of the character's lives and even a friend to them, until it is time to say good-bye at the end.
** teaching me to dress modestly. You taught me that it is OK to leave some things to the imagination! Everyone doesn't have to see everything to appreciate who I am or think I am beautiful. In a day and age where young girls are exposing more and more skin to young boys, I am thankful for a mom who taught me to cover up, and I was still found to be beautiful and attractive by the one boy that mattered.....the man I have been married to for 17 years.
** teaching me to finish what I started and always do my best. I have it instilled in me that if I start something I will see it to completion. I also know that as I complete it I will give it my best, because I won't do anything half-heartedly.
** teaching me to smell the rain. It's the little things like smelling the rain on a hot summer day that remind me of being a kid. Take the time to smell the rain.....or the fresh mown grass....watch the sunrise and sunset. Slow down and enjoy GOD's beautiful creation that HE has made us to be a part of. Don't let the little things pass you by, or you will surely regret it.
** making me play outside (until the whipporwhill's called).  HOT summer months, cool fall evenings, springtime when flowers were blooming, and cold winter days.....it didn't matter the time of year. You taught us to play outside and be creative. "Find something to do" was what we heard when we said, "I'm bored!"  And find something we did! We always had fun running through the woods or riding bikes through the neighborhood. We played with friends, and we drank from the water hose. We ate lunch outside, and when we came in for supper we were stinky and dirty. We were kids! Thank you for letting me enjoy being a kid!
** demonstrating what it means to put your kids first. I can remember many times that you did without something you would have liked to have had in order to provide for your kids. You would have even gone without  a meal if we hadn't had enough to eat. Now I have kids of my own, and I understand putting things I want back on the shelf in order to get the things my children need.
** teaching me to cut up a chicken! I can remember standing at the kitchen sink listening to you patiently tell me AGAIN what to do next. There is a certain way to cut up a chicken! Even though I have only cut up 2 or 3 chickens since I left home, it is a skill that I am proud to have. I am thankful for your patience in teaching me, and thankful for the knowledge that you passed on. When I am teaching my daughter something I always hope that I can be as patient with her as you were with me. It is hard to let our children do things on their own. We tend to want to take over and do it for them since we already know how to do it and how we want it done. I remember that you let me do it on my own, and you let me mess up. You never made me think that I had messed up so much it couldn't be fixed or salvaged. Thank you!
** taking care of me when I was sick. There is nothing that compares to a mother's touch when you are sick. No one can make you feel better quicker than your mom can. Thank you for always telling me everything would be ok and helping me get through rough nights when I didn't feel well. I know you lost a lot of sleep yourself, and you were tired in the morning, but I also know you wouldn't have had it any other way.
**for loving me unconditionally. The love you have poured on me throughout my life hasn't been based on anything I could or would do. I haven't had to earn it or try to keep it. It is something you have given based on who you are, and what you want to do for me. I know you have stayed awake praying for my safety, direction, guidance, and protection many nights. I know you have been disappointed in me, and I know you have wished for better when I have made bad decisions. I also know that no matter how disappointed you have been, you have always loved me. No matter what. I have never had a moment where I wondered if I was loved by you. Thank you for always making it clear to me that you love me!
There are sooo many other things I could list! I love you so much, and I only hope that I make an impression on my children that is close to what you have left on me.
I hope I can teach them to enjoy life and not expect to be perfect at everything. Failure is a part of life. It makes us stronger and teaches us how to change to be better. I hope that I can allow my children to fail, so they can learn how to pick themselves up. I don't want to be a helicopter parent who is always hovering, ready to whisk them away from every situation that proves to be difficult or hard.
I want to teach them to "look with their eyes and not with their hands". Everything in life doesn't have to be felt or touched to be enjoyed or appreciated. May they learn self-control in public and  always speak to others with grace.
As I enjoy this Mother's Day I am reminded what a blessing it is to be able to carry a baby in your womb. I never thought much of it until I became a mother. It was then that I understood why so many women ache if they are not able to enjoy this blessing. So many people pass it off as minor, but it is a major deal to feel your unborn child kicking and squirming within you waiting to be free of those boundaries you have placed on them. It doesn't stop with birth though. As they grow they continue to kick at you and squirm to be free of the boundaries you place on them in life, until one day they are all grown up and leave home. The boundaries are no longer there. They make boundaries of their own, and as a mom we hope and pray that they set their expectations high and their boundaries close. We want them to feel the warmth and comfort of home within their hearts just as closely as they did when they were growing inside us and could feel and hear our heartbeat and voice inside their head. I hope and pray that my children not only hear my voice reminding them of the right things to do, but they hear the Holy Spirit leading them and directing them. I also pray that they act on that voice.
I pray for my children, and I pray for myself. I pray that I can be the mom that GOD saw me being when HE called me to be the mother of my 4 children. May I follow HIS voice and make the right decisions that will lead my children to HIM. May I teach them of HIS truths and instill them in their hearts. May I know that no matter what, I did what HE asked me to do. I know I fail each and every day, but I also know that each day is new and GOD's mercies are new each morning. HE gives me a fresh new start...may I accept it and follow HIM as I continue on this journey of motherhood that lasts a lifetime.

Never Once...

This is one of the times of year that I always look back at the blessings GOD has given my family, and I feel a sense of peace that HIS hand has been on us the whole time. Why? Because 9 years ago my husband and oldest son were in a jet-ski accident that rocked our world and changed everything for us. This past week in worship we sang a Matt Redman song, Never Once, and it just spoke to me not only about how GOD was with us through that accident, but how HE has been with us (me) through everything! My mind was just filled with instances and circumstances that I knew GOD carried me through. As I sang this song in worship to my KING, I thanked HIM for never once leaving me on my own. My story is not yours. Some of these may seem  trivial to you, but they are vital to who I am today and what GOD has done for me. These are just snippets of the things that were going through my mind as I sang in worship:

Standing on this mountaintop

2012: I have been blessed with 16 years of marriage to my best friend, and I have  4 beautiful children!!

Looking just how far we’ve come

2012:Nineteen years ago we met and began our journey
Knowing that for every step

YOU were with us
1996: I was blessed to marry my high school sweetheart and best friend. GOD carried us through a 2 1/2 year dating period where we were separated but learned about each other through our letters and phone calls.

1998: We found out we were pregnant with our first baby! We bought our first house! I graduated from college!!

1999: We found out we were pregnant with our second baby!
1999: We found out we were pregnant with our third baby!

2001: We found out we were pregnant with our fourth baby!!

2008: We found out we were pregnant with our fifth baby!!! We bought our second house!

Kneeling on this battle ground

1993: My family moved to Carthage, TX during the middle of my senior year.
Seeing just how much You’ve done

1993:I met Ben the first day of school

Knowing every victory

Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way

1984: We moved out of the  house I had grown up in. My parents told us they were getting a divorce. Nothing in my life would ever be the same.

1999: At the 8 week sonogram with our second baby we were told there wasn't a heartbeat where there should be one.
2000: I was put in the hospital with polyhydramnios when I was 26 weeks pregnant with our second child (third pregnancy). The doctors told us he may not live.
2003: Ben and Cole were in a terrible jet-ski accident. I had to fly in the helicopter with Cole while Ben was life-flighted in a separate helicopter.
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone

2003: Sitting in the hospital with my 4 year old son the night of his accident he asked to pray with me. He prayed to GOD, "Thank YOU for protecting  me and my dad on the jet-ski today". He then told me that he knew he and his daddy were alive because JESUS was riding on the jet ski with them! Tears of joy flooded my face as I held my little boy and thanked JESUS for a child with such a pure heart.

Never once did You leave us on our own

2003: When Ben woke up from his coma he was able to correctly describe the ICU room he had been in (but had not been awake in). He said he saw JESUS sitting on the counter across from him.....what he described seeing was more like fire....no distinguishable face, but he knew he had not been alone.

You are faithful, God, You are faithful


Kneeling on this battle ground

2000: Ben had to learn what it was like to be a single dad for 6 weeks while I was in the hospital in another state. I was only able to see my family on Friday-Sun.
Seeing just how much You’ve done

2000: The time I spent in the hospital brought me closer to GOD and renewed my faith in HIS goodness.

Knowing every victory

Was Your power in us

2000: Our second son was born 7 weeks early weighing in at a healthy 6 lbs 7 oz! The doctors were amazed!!! The doctors did numerous tests to find something--anything--wrong with him and they never could!

2003: The doctors initially thought Cole had a broken jaw and injury to his brain after the jet-ski accident. He simply had a cut on his right check that only required a butterfly bandage. (That and a bad headache!)

2003: Ben sustained a closed head injury from the accident. The doctors didn't know the outcome, but worst case scenario would be that he wouldn't be able to speak, take care of himself, or work again. Within 4 months Ben was back to "normal"! :)

Scars and struggles on the way
2008: We had 30 days to move out of the rent house we had been living in. We had nowhere to go.

2009: I found out I had anti-bodies in my blood that would fight against my baby I was carrying.
2009-2010: I lost my job, we lost income, and we eventually lost our house.

But with joy our hearts can say

2008: Our pastor and his wife graciously allowed us to move into their basement while we looked for a house.

Never once did we ever walk alone

Carried by Your constant grace

2009: The antibodies I was carrying caused our baby to be born jaundiced, and he needed a blood transfusion and blood exchange. After 1 week in NICU he was able to come home!!!

Held within Your perfect peace

2000: Sitting beside my son in the  NICU after he was born 7 weeks early, I knew that GOD gave him to us for a reason and would carry us through.
2003: Sitting beside my husband in the ICU I knew GOD was in control and had HIS hand on the situation.
2009: Sitting beside my son in the NICU I felt a peace about his health.

Never once, no, we never walk alone

2010: GOD had a place for us to move  

Every step we are breathing in Your grace

We have always been blessed with work. GOD has always provided for our financial needs to be met.

Our family has always been blessed with health.

GOD has given us so many opportunities to worship HIM and share HIM with  others...in and out of the church building.

Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise

GOD has been so amazing to show HIMSELF to us in so many situations.

I have the opportunity to share GOD with my children as I raise them in this ungodly world.

I have been given the opportunity to show GOD to my students every day that I have them in my classroom.

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

I pray that I am faithful in speaking out to others about my GOD and HIS love for them. I want to be able to use the stories I have, the lessons I have learned, and the fire GOD has put us in to show others that, like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, you can go through the fire, but you don't have to come out smelling like smoke. 

Daniel 3:26-27 "Nebuchadnezzar then approached the opening of the blazing furnace and shouted, “Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, servants of the Most High God, come out! Come here!”

So Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego came out of the fire, and the satraps, prefects, governors and royal advisers crowded around them. They saw that the fire had not harmed their bodies, nor was a hair of their heads singed; their robes were not scorched, and there was no smell of fire on them.

I pray that I am never silent, but am ever diligent in being salt and light in this world.

El Roi

The kids and I have started a daily devotional using the book Praying the Names of GOD by Ann Spangler. It is a 26 week study teaching us about the character of GOD as HE reveals HIMSELF through HIS names. This week we studied El Roi...."the GOD who sees me". Hagar gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her "Then she called the name of the LORD who spoke to her, 'YOU are a GOD who sees'; for she said, 'Have I even remained alive here after seeing HIM?'"(Genesis 16:13) Studying this name has really caused me to reflect on the things that are happening in the Christian world and being deemed as acceptable...."healthy" even. I have read many blogs and reviews, posts and comments on the movie "Magic Mike" and the book "50 Shades of Grey". I have read MANY things that hint on the fact that if you say it is wrong or sinful then you are just a "self-righteous mommy who[is]judging others when we are really called to love". That statement has bothered me since the first time I read it. Why? Because it hit too close to home. It is how I have felt so many times when I wanted to justify what I was doing. It is the mindset that the Christian community is beginning to embrace, and it scares me. What if you got a cut on your leg, and the cut got infected? Your leg would get all red, and swollen, and sensitive to the touch. If your friend walks up, pokes the swollen spot and says “Hey, does this hurt? You should get that looked at.” You’d likely recoil and say “OUCH! Don’t touch that, it hurts!” Is the problem the poke, or the infection itself? Is your friend being self-righteous and judging you for your infection? Or were they trying to help you by calling your attention to an unhealthy situation? Many Christians today are not telling their friends to get the infection looked at because they know they have had an infection themselves. Would you do the same with your children? Would you allow them to get sick even if you knew what they could do to avoid it? Would you ignore the things they are doing for fear that they would get mad at you? We are a family.....we should help each other. I get infections, too. And, if for some reason, I don’t realize I have been deceived, I hope that someone would feel called to love me enough to point it out to me. I am not judging anyone on their infection, just pointing out the problem. If we as Christians continue to shrink back and not point out the infection or the unhealthy situations our sisters (and non-sisters) in CHRIST are putting themselves in then we are sinning by not obeying GOD when HE tells us to speak the truth. Yes, Paul tells us in Colossians 3:12-14 "...clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Make allowance for each other's faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember the LORD forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony." However, you can't take that verse alone and use it as justification for sin. Paul also said (Colossians 3: 2-3), "Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. For you died to this life and your real life is hidden with CHRIST in GOD." Was Paul being self-righteous and judging the people of Colossae when he said (Colossians 3:5, 6), "So put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking within you. Have nothing to do with sexual immorality, impurity, lust and evil desires. Because of these sins, the anger of GOD is coming."? No, he was admonishing them, praying for them, and wanting the best for them! The phrase "lurking within you" gets me every time. Studying the name EL ROI has really brought to my attention that GOD doesn't just see me....the physical me. HE sees my heart, my thoughts, my desires...the things lurking within me. I Samuel 16: 7  tells us "for GOD sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." I don't know about you, but this is enough to make me want to keep my heart clean, and I can't do that if I am watching a movie about strippers or reading a novel about sex. I know because, ashamedly enough, I used to read "romance novels", and nothing good came of it. It wasn't until after I was married that I stopped reading them. I felt like I was cheating on my husband....and I was, even if it was with a fictional character. I know how captivating those kind of books can be, and I won't let myself even pick one up because I know how easy it is to be "addicted" to that kind of "romance".  I found ways to justify reading them....anyone can come up with a reason to justify sin, but here's the thing: you don't have to come up with a justification for something that isn't sin. I don't have to justify reading the bible. I don't have to justify watching Pollyanna or some other "old fashioned" movie. If we spent as much time reading the bible, praying, and learning about GOD as we do coming up with justifications for why we sin, then we would be much happier, fulfilled people. I know I fall short in many areas every day, and when I do I pray for GOD to create in me a clean heart. I don't want to be sitting in a theater watching a movie or laying on my couch reading a book that I know is not healthy for me or my relationship with my husband. Psalm 33:13-15 "The LORD looks from heaven; HE sees all the sons of men; From HIS dwelling place HE looks out on all the inhabitants of the earth, HE who fashions the hearts of them all, HE who understands all their works." 
The bottom line is this, would we as women and wives be okay with a bunch of men standing around church talking about the latest edition of Playboy? Would we be okay with them talking about the strip club they went to the night before? Would we watch the kids for them while they went out and lusted over other women? I know the answer for me is a profound NO! Then why are we okay with women doing the same thing? Why do we laugh about it and talk about how great it is? It is NOT OK!  I know that I am not going to make many friends, and I may offend some friends that I do have, but I am okay with that. If my touching your infection and telling you to get it looked at saves your leg then it is worth the pain it caused you when I touched it. I would expect nothing less from my friends.

EL ROI....THE GOD WHO SEES ME

Proverbs 15:3 tells us "The eyes of the LORD are everywhere, keeping watch on the wicked and the good." There is no place I can hide from GOD! One of my favorite verses is found in 2 Chronicles 16:9 "For the eyes of the LORD range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to HIM." I want to be fully committed to HIM. I want HIM to see my heart and strengthen it.

I want to see GOD.....not Magic Mike. I want to keep my eyes on HIM....not the pages of some novel. I want to shine like the sun and have no reason for shame. Psalm 34:5 "Keep your eyes on the LORD! You will shine like the sun and never blush with shame." Oh, I want this to be me!

GOD Answers Prayer

This post has been rattling around in my head for a while, but I am still not quite sure exactly what it is I want to write. I will just type, and we will see what comes out!  My husband has often complained that GOD doesn't speak to us the way HE spoke to Moses, Abraham, Noah, Adam and Eve....pretty much anyone in the Old Testament. They heard HIS voice. HE showed HIMSELF to them in ways that we don't get today.....burning bush, cloud by day, fire by night, etc. And even though we don't hear HIS voice audibly, I still have times when I just KNOW what GOD is saying to me. We have the HOLY SPIRIT who speaks to us in our hearts and leads us in the direction GOD wants us to go. The catch with that is I often question whether or not it is the HOLY SPIRIT or just me believing something I want to believe.  Of course, Satan wants us to doubt what GOD tells us (we have proof of that in Genesis) and that is where we face the dilemma today. Did GOD tell me to go there, or did I just go because I wanted to?  Anyway, the times that I have known that GOD was telling me something I have had an "impression" or just a really strong belief that something will happen a certain way. It is very hard to explain because I know many people will doubt it, but for me it is very real. I want this post to be about the times GOD has blessed me and answered my prayers regarding my job situations.
In 1997 I did some student teaching at Kilgore Intermediate School. I LOVED it there. We lived in Longview at the time and didn't have any plans to live anywhere else, but I told Ben that when I started teaching I wanted to teach at Kilgore Intermediate. It was/is a very nice campus comprised of 4th and 5th grade students. The teachers there were amazing, and  the atmosphere was very welcoming. I knew it would be difficult to get on there because no one would ever leave! 2 months after I finished my student teaching there I found out I was pregnant with our first child, and I started my last semester of college. I knew that I would not be teaching in the fall because when Ben and I first got married we decided that one of us would stay home with our children until they started school. I wanted to be the one to stay home, so I graduated in May of 1998 6 months pregnant. We also bought our first house in May of 1998, and it was in Kilgore.  In August of 1998 I gave birth to our first child. In February of 2000 I had our second child, and in September of 2002 I had our 3rd child. I still had not taught in the classroom, but I was always thinking that when I did I wanted to teach at Kilgore Intermediate. That desire had not gone away or changed.  In the summer of 2003 I started applying for teaching jobs for the fall. I couldn't understand why no one was calling or interviewing me. I didn't apply to work at Kilgore Intermediate, though, and I am not sure why I didn't. I had one interview at a middle school in Tyler and one interview at a private school. What I didn't know then that GOD did know was that in August of 2003 my husband and oldest son were going to be in an accident, and Ben would lose his job.  GOD didn't allow me to get a teaching job because HE knew we would move to Dallas for 4 months while Ben was in rehab. When we moved back home I began substitute teaching for Kilgore. The only school that ever called me to substitute was the Intermediate school. I knew then that I would teach there for sure. I knew that is where GOD wanted me. There was an opening that year, and the principal "interviewed" me by asking me 2 questions! It was the dream interview! I was hired to teach 4th grade but was moved to 5th by the end of the first week of school. I never had any doubt that is where GOD wanted me even though it was 2004 (7 years after I first believed I would teach there) before HE opened that door. Fast forward 6 years. We moved to Huntsville, TX from CO and enrolled our kids in school. Annalisa's school was Scott Johnson. We never planned to stay in Huntsville, but the first time I walked into Scott Johnson I thought, "If I ever teach in Huntsville, this is where it will be." I just had that impression that I get-- that belief that this is where I belong. It was just like with Kilgore Intermediate. Benjamin was only 1 at the time, so I knew I wouldn't be teaching for a few years. Over the next year I would randomly check to see if there were any openings at Scott Johnson, and I never saw one. This past Spring (2012) I began to apply to teach this fall. I applied at A LOT of school districts all over East Texas because we really wanted to move. No one called. No interviews. I was devastated. The small voice in the back of my head said, "check Huntsville." I checked for an opening at Scott Johnson--none. So I applied at more districts. Still no calls. Still the voice--"check Huntsville". I did and there showed 1 opening at Scott Johnson. So, I thought, "Ok, I will apply." But you couldn't specify which campus you wanted to apply for, and there were other elementary campuses with openings. I didn't want any campus other than Scott Johnson! 1 week after I applied I got a call for an interview! My first interview!! I knew in my heart that I would get the job, but my brain kept saying, "maybe not".  I went for the interview and thought it went very well. I felt good about it and waited for a call or an email telling me "No thanks". I waited every day (from Monday to Friday) wondering why I hadn't had a call back. That voice kept telling me, "They haven't checked your references yet. They will call."  I had decided that if I didn't hear anything back by Friday afternoon then I would apply somewhere else, but I really believed I would hear something. I went to the school on Friday morning for field day and the principal pulled me aside to tell me that the reason she hadn't called was because she hadn't checked my references yet! It wasn't me making things up in my mind....it was the HOLY SPIRIT talking to me. Telling me things would be ok! I love it when I have confirmation of the SPIRIT speaking to my heart! The principal asked me to come see her before I left for the day. When I went to visit with her she said, "I don't know how you feel about this, but I really think this is a GOD thing." I told her that I agreed 100%! She said that she literally had 100's of applications and the fact that she saw mine was amazing! She said that after they talked with me they knew I was supposed to be there!!! I believe GOD moved my application to the top and HE prepared their hearts for me before I went in there. 1 phone call. 1 interview. 1 job. GOD works amazing wonders!! HE answered our prayers for a job for me. HE answered our prayers about where our kids would go to school in the fall.....and my prayer for consistency for them. Cole will be starting High School and I didn't want to move him any more than necessary. HE spoke to my heart about that school the first time I ever walked in, and HE prepared me to want to be there. I know HE has some special kids prepared to be in my classroom this fall, and I pray that HE uses me in their lives the way HE wants to. I am very excited about going back into the classroom, and I am excited when I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am in the place GOD wants me to be!

I Am Who I Am In GOD.....and I AM OK With That!

The other day while I was on Facebook I came across a link for this blog post: http://powerofmoms.com/2012/04/your-children-want-you/ which is a VERY good post and definitely something I needed to read. The irony of it is that just reading it made me do some of the things she talks about that we as moms shouldn't do! I immediately began to think about the fact that I am NOT that mom/woman who blogs about things daily, weekly, or even monthly for that fact. I do learn important spiritual lessons regularly, but I do not write them down for other women/moms to learn from. I always have good intentions to write them down, but it doesn't happen. I spend a lot of time during my day praying silently for my children and cleaning up messes. I am a very organized person and it is very difficult for me to find this when I walk into my boys' room:

                                           

  Instead of this: 

I have come to understand that not everyone in my house thinks neatness and organization are as important as I do. The fact that I even allow them to keep their things after I find them where they don't belong is a blessing for them in my mind! Even if I spent the money on all of those bins, the boys (Jacob) wouldn't use them! I hear the voice in my head asking, "What have I done wrong? Where did I fail in teaching them these basic skills? Why can't I impart to them the importance of neatness?"  In actuality I have done nothing wrong. I HAVE taught them these things. It is their choice to implement what I have taught them. So then I ask, "Why won't they make good choices? Is that my fault too?" Oh, it is a never ending cycle for moms! We beat ourselves up over every little thing. 

I used to watch 19 Kids and Counting randomly. I had to stop because I was constantly comparing myself to the ever-calm Michelle. I wondered why I couldn't stay as calm as she did--and I only have 4 kids!!

I kept telling myself I wasn't spiritual enough. I wasn't praying enough. I must not love my kids as much as she loves hers if mine irritate me so quickly. I was quick to tell myself I was a failure as a parent for not being more like her. Then I realized......GOD didn't make me like her for a reason. HE wanted me to be Caci--not Michelle. I have other strengths that she may wish she had. My personality is not like hers....that is for sure! And that is OK!  My desire is the same....to raise GODLY children in this ungodly world. To teach my kids morals and spiritual truths. To walk with GOD every day. To teach others about GOD and HIS love for them.  I just do it in a different manner. I Corinthians 12:14 tells us "For the body is not one member, but many." And verses 17-18 tell us "If the whole body were an eye, where would the hearing be? If the whole were hearing, where would the sense of smell be? But now GOD has placed the members, each one of them, in the body, just as HE desired." We are all different, and we are all used in different ways--not just in the church (building), but in our homes as well. After all, WE are still the church when we go home. We are not the same for a reason! What we, as Christians, need to understand and believe is that GOD has placed us just as HE desired. That makes us perfectly placed!

I do NOT separate whites 

 and colored laundry. If it comes to the washing machine, it gets washed! I have never heard my kids complain that I didn't wash their clothes correctly! They are just happy they get washed! 

I recently overheard a mom say, "When my youngest son graduates high school I will have fixed breakfast every morning for 32 years." I immediately started beating myself up. Why? I DON'T FIX BREAKFAST! Well, that's not true. I fix breakfast on Saturdays. And SOME weekday mornings. I am just NOT that mom! Do my kids lack nutrition because I don't cook bacon, eggs, waffles, pancakes or such every morning? Nope. They do just fine on cereal, a bagel or toast. They don't even complain. So why was I beating myself up over it? I always think that I could or should be better than I am.

While it is ok to strive to be better in what we do or who we are, it is also ok to accept that there are some things about ourselves that just aren't going to change. When I get to heaven, GOD isn't going to ask me why I didn't cook breakfast for my kids every day of their childhood! Seriously, HE isn't! In the broad scheme of things, the battles that we choose to fight within ourselves aren't the ones that really matter. What matters is what we do to advance the kingdom of GOD. 

I know that I fail GOD every day. I know that GOD never fails me!!!! I need to take the time to focus more on how I can be closer to HIM than how I can be more like some woman on Pinterest or TV that I don't even know!! I need to want to know GOD more! I need to teach my kids about GOD more. I want them to know that HE is ever faithful, never failing, full of love, compassion and grace. I want HIS love for them to reflect off of me so that when they look at me they see HIM. Those are the things I strive for on a daily basis while the clothes pile up on the floors in the rooms and the laundry baskets remain empty. 

A Eugene Bag

I have seen the movie Tangled no less than 300 times in the last 4 months. Seriously. Benjamin would wake up and the first sweet words out of his mouth were, "Good morning, Mommy. I love you!"  Wait, no....I dreamt that! They were, "I want to watch Tangled". Every. Day. For 4 months. Now I know you are saying, "But, Caci that doesn't equal 300 times."  And you are right...it doesn't. You have to add the 3 more times that he said those same words EVERY day for the past 4 months, and the fact that I am a concerned lazy mom who just wants her kids to be happy....so I let him watch it. 3-4 times-- every day. I can quote it without even looking at the screen. Most of the reason I let him watch it so many times is because I was busy sewing, and it was a good babysitter. I know that is horrible of me, but hey at least I could afford to buy groceries while he sang "Mother Knows Best" to the cashiers. One bad thing that has come from him watching Tangled is that he took a couple of my pans and threw them around pretending to fight the bad guys like Eugene does. This left dents in my pans. Not good, but they still cook the same.
Last night as he was running through the house calling Rapunzel he said he needed a "Eugene bag". I, of course, immediately knew what he wanted....because I have seen the movie so many times.  So today I sewed a Eugene bag for my little man. 

Here he is with his bag

Can you see how proud he is of it?

Do you want me to open it???

It even has a crown inside!!!

Let's take the crown out.....

And try to wear it.....backwards....

I even lined it with Toy Story fabric!

 I had fun sewing the bag and it was great to see how happy he was to have it. I love it that he still thinks I am the greatest and the fact that I can make him smile with something as simple as a cut up pair of jeans turned into a bag!